And I hear it over and over again...
I've debated whether I wanted to post about this. It's kind of something I feel I should post, and something I want to post, yet it's also neither of those things. Make sense? I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.
Sometimes the road we take to get somewhere is not at all planned. Sometimes it's a big long detour. Sometimes it's a nice drive, and you take in the scenery. Sometimes it's none of those things. And sometimes, it's all of them.
For the past couple of months Cordova and I were an item. I'm sure you remember posts about her, here and there. We had a good time. I learned a lot about myself. Some good things, some bad. Either way, I learned, and learning is always a good thing.
Somewhere along the line, though, in our relationship, things weren't right. There was an area where things were just missing. Something I needed. Something I missed. My thoughts kept returning to someone from my past. Try as I might, there was no way to stop those thoughts. I tried focusing on all of the good things Cordova and I had, tried feeling things more deeply, threw myself into things full-hog, but it just didn't work. Despite my strong feelings for her, it just wasn't right. Not for me, anyhow. And I knew they never would be. She wasn't right for me. Not on every level. Not fully.
I felt absolutely horrible about all of this once I admitted to myself that this was very much the truth. (I believe the actual words I used in regards to my feelings were "I feel like a huge steaming pile of shit.") Sometimes it's hard to find things within yourself that you had once attempted to bury. I had buried feelings for another person, because, at the time, it was the right thing to do. But they weren't gone. And they certainly weren't forgotten.
After a lot of thinking, I had to do the right thing, and let Cordova know. I had to end things before they went any further. I felt horrible, because none of it was her fault. It's hard to accept a break-up, when you had nothing to do with it. I know this.
This has been a big mish-mash of emotions for me. (Mish-mash, by the way, is a technical term) On one hand, I feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth for having hurt Cordova. Yes, I now have her as a friend, and what we had will forever be remembered, but the end result for her is pain. And that bites the weenie. And on the other hand, I'm happy to have allowed my true feelings about this other person to have fully surfaced. I was fooling myself to think I could forget her. That I could just ignore my feelings and that life would just roll along smoothly. I should have realized that was never going to happen.
So...one chapter of my life is closed, and an old chapter I found immense happiness in has been reopened.
It's a bittersweet symphony, this life...
Sometimes the road we take to get somewhere is not at all planned. Sometimes it's a big long detour. Sometimes it's a nice drive, and you take in the scenery. Sometimes it's none of those things. And sometimes, it's all of them.
For the past couple of months Cordova and I were an item. I'm sure you remember posts about her, here and there. We had a good time. I learned a lot about myself. Some good things, some bad. Either way, I learned, and learning is always a good thing.
Somewhere along the line, though, in our relationship, things weren't right. There was an area where things were just missing. Something I needed. Something I missed. My thoughts kept returning to someone from my past. Try as I might, there was no way to stop those thoughts. I tried focusing on all of the good things Cordova and I had, tried feeling things more deeply, threw myself into things full-hog, but it just didn't work. Despite my strong feelings for her, it just wasn't right. Not for me, anyhow. And I knew they never would be. She wasn't right for me. Not on every level. Not fully.
I felt absolutely horrible about all of this once I admitted to myself that this was very much the truth. (I believe the actual words I used in regards to my feelings were "I feel like a huge steaming pile of shit.") Sometimes it's hard to find things within yourself that you had once attempted to bury. I had buried feelings for another person, because, at the time, it was the right thing to do. But they weren't gone. And they certainly weren't forgotten.
After a lot of thinking, I had to do the right thing, and let Cordova know. I had to end things before they went any further. I felt horrible, because none of it was her fault. It's hard to accept a break-up, when you had nothing to do with it. I know this.
This has been a big mish-mash of emotions for me. (Mish-mash, by the way, is a technical term) On one hand, I feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth for having hurt Cordova. Yes, I now have her as a friend, and what we had will forever be remembered, but the end result for her is pain. And that bites the weenie. And on the other hand, I'm happy to have allowed my true feelings about this other person to have fully surfaced. I was fooling myself to think I could forget her. That I could just ignore my feelings and that life would just roll along smoothly. I should have realized that was never going to happen.
So...one chapter of my life is closed, and an old chapter I found immense happiness in has been reopened.
It's a bittersweet symphony, this life...
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